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~ written by RR resident at age 17 & performed at open mic event for eating disorder survivors ~
Like a sinking weight on my chest, I feel so heavy…
Mirror, mirror on the wall am I skinny enough for them foes?
Mirror, mirror on the wall show me the weight I must have gained
Fairy god mother tells me that I am the same as yesterday
Pretty as the most fairest girl in town.
Mirror, mirror on the wall I stare at lower belly where fat seems to build-up
My fingers reach and my hands squeeze
Wow, how I am most displeased. The demon screams lose that lump and lose it fast!
The bowl of water is calling my name
Screaming from the depths of the drains
The fruit I ate this morning stares back up at me
With the running faucet I rinse the remains,
my eyes are bloodshot and food stains my face
The sparkles in my eyes packed their suitcase and walked away
That day in 7th grade when my name became Whale.
Angered by the way I saw myself
My aggression burned away and beat into punching bags
Cleansing the body of calories with miles of sprints each day
An egg a day will surely keep the fat away
30 pounds down! 20 more to go the demon whispers in my ear.
Mirror, mirror on the wall a new week dawns, surely now I shall love myself?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, you show me that I have deceived myself.
You’ve brought light to my now shallow eyes the fat around my arms.
Drop and give me a hundred the drill sergeant in my head screams!
Cut me a break my body screams, like pins in a pin cushion
My demon keeps on stabbing away.
The new day dawns upon my white pillow,
My growling beast reaches for the fridge,
Mirror, mirror on the wall shows me that food is a no go
Turn on the pot of coffee, this surely will tame the hunger pains.
Through the motions I soar on auto-pilot
The wind chills my skeletal bones.
Working away one day in eight grade
My classmate says to me
You’ve lost a lot of weight
At first it was good now it's just bad
Oh no the demon in my head has been awakened
Run! Run for the water with the flusher
Like candy down my throat my fingers go
The small bag of pretzels now nothing but chewed up brown
Stares back at me.
What have I become?
Two short years later
Doctors prod me with needles
Drawing my blood, testing for nutrients
Surely there can't be many of those left?
The daylight shines upon my white linen hospital pillow
Here I rest, here my demon rages and screams
As people force me to eat or I would be threatened with a tube
This is not what I imagined when I spent those long days running away from calories
Or those morning I consumed a pot of coffee for breakfast
Habits engraved
Three weeks of hospital meals were far from enough to bury this demon
17 years old now, the nickname whale seems to be gone with my past
Scales reflect the number 130, disappointment washed over me.
No longer counting the calories there's no need
I know I don’t eat enough
My prince in shining armor begs me to eat
He loves me for who I am. How can that be the demon in my head says to me.
Tell me mirror, mirror on the wall why don’t you reflect a me that I love?
Balanced eating is as foreign as Spanish is to me
surely all the sweat on my workout mat has earned me those chiseled abs
Mirror, mirror on the wall why do you still reflect this massive lump of fat?
Doctors answer this desperate question with a simple diagnosis.
Body dysmorphia.
Great so basically this demon will always rage,
Yes, but it can be leashed they say.
I cry for pleas of validation please just tell me this demon is a lie, then maybe the toilet won’t see my meal next time.
Mirror, mirror on the wall I no longer trust you! Here is my hammer and now I thrive to smash you.
Scale I tell you, you are just numbers not a measure of my beauty.